Years ago, if a child died it was common for family and friends, to act like nothing had happened. Parents were not expected or allowed to grieve. We know today how important it is, physically, mentally and emotionally, to openly grieve for those we love. Unfortunately, even with this knowledge, parents who lose a child frequently still feel abandoned by the people they need support from the most.

Have you known someone who has lost a child? Even if the child was 30 or 40 years old? Think about how you may have responded to that person. There are no easy approaches or formulas to make the pain go away. It is natural to feel helpless when the child of a friend or relative dies. The following suggestions may help you provide support:

There are no magic words to take away the pain. A simple gesture like a hug, a touch or, "Im so sorry," will offer comfort and support.

Remember, everyone grieves differently. Some verbalize, some are unwilling to talk, some withdraw and others strike out angrily. Take the time to understand how that parent needs to grieve.

Listen! Parents frequently have a need to talk about their child and the circumstances of the death. Encourage them to talk by asking gentle questions. Let them express whatever emotions they may be feeling: anger, fear, and resentment.

Dont be afraid to cry and dont stop the parent from crying either. Your tears are recognition of both the child and the parents loss. Crying is a healthy release.

NEVER say, "I know how you feel." Everyones loss is different and personal.

Avoid attempting to explain the death by using clichs such as, "Everything happens for a reason." Saying something like, "At least you have other children," does not make it all right that their child has died.

Do not judge a parents actions or emotions. "You should..." or "You shouldnt..." is not appropriate or helpful. Decisions and behaviors related to displaying or removing photographs, reliving the death, or expressing emotions may seem excessive in many cases. However, these behavior patterns are normal, particularly in the first years following the childs death.

Be there. Run errands, do some household chores, provide childcare or help whatever way is needed.

Give attention to surviving children. Dont assume they are not hurting because they do not express their feelings. Many times siblings will suppress their grief to avoid adding to their parents pain. Talk to them and acknowledge their loss.

Dont fear that talking about the child will cause the parents additional pain. Using the childs name shows parents their child has not been forgotten. Share a fond memory of the child or relate funny stories about the child. It is okay to laugh. Laughter is a healing antidote.

Gently encourage outside activities such as lunch or a movie. If your invitation is declined, dont give up! Ask again and again. One day you may hit the day the invitation is accepted with a smile.

There is no standard timetable for recovery. Encourage bereaved families to be patient with themselves. DONT EVER SAY, "Get on with your life; its time you got over this!" Those demands are unfair, unrealistic and extremely unfeeling.

Continue your contact with the family. Grief does not end at the funeral or on the first anniversary. Stay in touch and remember to mention the name of the child who died in conversation as easily as you would the name of any other member of the family.